


When Does Forever After Begin?

by Reading_with_Winchesters



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, comforting!cas, hurt!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 21:49:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6095134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reading_with_Winchesters/pseuds/Reading_with_Winchesters





	When Does Forever After Begin?

Cas was worried.

Dean had gone out hours ago, it was now 3:00 a.m. and he wasn’t back. The bunker was in the middle of nowhere, where could he be?

That’s when he heard the door creak. In a flash he was by the door, mere inches from Dean, and already able to tell that something was very wrong.

“Jesus, Cas. Personal space? Heard of it?” See, there it was again. Dean’s words had a lilt to them, one that the Dean he knew would never use.

“Cas?” Dean sounded worried. Why was Dean worried? Obviously Cas was the one who should be worried. And then he realized he had been staring.

“Sorry, Dean.” Cas said, taking a step back from Dean. If only he could figure out what was wrong...

“‘s okay, Cas.” Dean stepped away from the door and nearly toppled over.

Cas reached out a hand to steady Dean, and through the contact his hand made with the man’s shoulder, he saw everything:

Dean was drunk.

Dangerously drunk; potentially fatally drunk. Cas had never felt this level of alcohol in a body ever before. He was terrified.

“Dean.” Castiel said, his voice even rougher than usual with the lump stuck in the back of his throat. Why was Dean doing this? What had driven him to ingest this amount of alcohol. “You have... copious amounts of alcohol in your body. I need to heal you.”

Dean ignored his concern, “‘m fine Cas. Just drunk. I’ve done this a lot, okay? I know my limits.” He stumbled forward another step, forcing Cas to dart quickly in front of Dean and place his hands firmly on Dean’s chest to keep him upright.

“You are not okay, Dean. The level of alcohol in your system will be lethal if you do not let me heal you.” Dean snorted in response, trying weakly to push Castiel off of him. “This is a serious matter. Why are you laughing at your own imminent demise?”

Dean grinned sadly, “Nothing, Cas. You wouldn’t understand. Just - just don’t heal me. Promise me that.” And with that Dean passed out. Luckily, Cas was in the perfect position to catch him and let him down gently. No further harm was going to come to this man if Cas had any say in it. And Castiel was an angel of the lord, he had the most say of all of God’s creations.

“You are right, I do not understand. Why are you being so stubborn? I am trying to save your life.” Cas was confused, and quite frightened, if he was to be honest: why was Dean acting this way - he was always self destructive, but never to this extent.

Dean snorted, then sighed, then opened his mouth, “Ever consider that maybe I don’t want to be saved? Maybe I don’t deserve it, Cas, you always treat me so well and I, well, I, I don’t deserve it. I’m a fucking failure Cas. Why don’t you see that?” Dean’s voice was coarse and harsh on Castiel’s ears, and his body language spoke numbers to the angel’s supernaturally observant eyes.

“Why wouldn’t you deserve it?” Dean wasn’t perfect, even Cas knew that, but he was still a righteous, loyal, selfless man. He still deserved the whole world, or as much of it as Cas could give him.

“Are you serious?” Dean’s head lifted slowly from the floor, tilting until his midnight forest eyes met Castiel’s ocean blue ones. Together they made up the best parts of the world: the prosperous; the giving; the sanctuaries; but neither man nor angel could see that in themselves - only in each other.

“I broke the first seal. I let Lucifer out of the cage. I was a demon. I couldn’t save my brother no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t save you, despite the fact that I tried everything - everything! - to keep the both of you safe. I sleep with hookers and can’t keep any steady relationships, not even with my family. I get people killed, Cas. I’m the reason Jo, Bobby, Kevin, Sam... even you, I’m the reason all of you went through so much shit and died painfully because of it. I don’t deserve it because I am a fucking monster!” Dean’s voice broke on the last word, a tear rolling down his cheek as he ducked his head down, unable to show weakness in front of anybody.

“Dean-” Cas started

“No, Cas. I know what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna tell me everything is fucking fine and I’m blowing shit out of proportion, but Cas, the worst thing is I’m not. I was a fucking demon. No good man - no man worth saving would have enough darkness in their soul for that to happen. And you don’t know what I did as a demon. Cas, I killed people. I fucking murdered people and tricked people and took people’s souls, all because I could. No good man does that. Monsters do that - I’m a fucking monster, don’t try to convince me otherwise.” Dean was yelling, shakily trying to get back on his feet so he could leave Cas and go die on his bed alone. Because that was what he deserved: being all fucking alone.

But Cas’ hands were on his shoulders and Dean felt his legs crumple and his vision went black.

When he came back he was sitting on the bunker’s sofa, and Cas was still there. He also didn’t feel like throwing up and passing out on the same breath. In fact, he felt physically better than he had in months. “You fucking bastard.” Dean growled.

Cas winced, he did not wish to cause Dean to not trust him; he did not wish for Dean to be in any pain; but he also did not want Dean to die. He was not sure exactly when it had happened, but Castiel had grown attached to Dean Winchester. He could no longer imagine life without this man.

“I am sorry, Dean, but I could not let you die. It would not be right of me. You, you have so much to be here for and you are, well, you are saving this world. The fact that you cannot see that astounds me. You are a good man. You are a great man. Why can you not see that?”

“Because it’s not fucking true!” Dean yelled, “I’m barely a human being, I don’t deserve shit! I deserve to go to hell which is what would have happened if you hadn’t fucking interfered!” Dean stood up, stalking away from the couch and over to the wall display of swords that hung on the other side of the room.

That made Cas even more worried, a feat he had not believed possible. “Dean,” His voice was panicked. As much as he tried, there was no way to hide how terrified he was by Dean’s mental state at the moment. “You stopped the apocalypse, you saved your brother, you’ve saved me countless times, you are -”

“One more word and I will do it.” Dean interrupted Cas quietly, holding a dagger shakily by his side. “I swear to God, Cas. Not that he would listen to me.” Dean smiled, and the grin sent shivers down Cas’ spine. This was the smile of a man who had nothing to lose; a man who had given up; a man who just didn’t care anymore.

But Cas froze, unwilling to risk Dean doing something drastic. They sat in silence, at an impasse in their situation. Dean couldn’t stab himself without Cas speaking, and Cas wouldn’t speak if his life depended on it.

“Well,” Dean eventually said, shrugging his shoulders, “This doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, so if you don’t mind.” He raised the dagger up and up, focusing all his attention on it because he wasn’t sure he would be able to go through with this knowing that the creature he cared the most about - next to Sammy, of course - was going to have to watch him bleed out.

Dean never got the chance to even touch the knife to his skin. It was a few inches from his neck when a hand grabbed his and another one knocked the knife to the floor, and a foot kicked it under a bookshelf.

Dean never got the chance to yell. A pair of rough, powerful lips crashed against his, cutting off all the protests and anger he had been about to unleash.

Dean never got the chance to think. The kiss was passionate, full of anger and suppressed emotions. Full of longing and unspoken pleas and question and a love that Dean never thought anyone could ever feel toward a fuck up like him.

He could feel Cas’ hands on his back and his neck, supporting him as if he might fall over at any moment. To be honest, he felt like he might. Cas smelled of confusion and love. Of newness and stolen, hidden moments; of hesitant tenderness and intimacy. He smelled of a new hope; a new chapter in this awful world Dean called home.

Cas felt Dean’s fingers grip his hair as he pulled Cas closer, deeper into the kiss. Cas had known it was a long shot to finally show his love for Dean to Dean, but desperate times call for desperate actions, and if he hadn’t done it right then, would he have ever had another chance?

It wasn’t a decision he could bring himself to regret. He could feel Dean holding onto him as if his life depended on it; he could feel the weight of Dean’s life on his shoulder. And Dean smelled of secrets and promises made in the dead of night. Of wild laughter and drunken decisions. He smelled of family and loyalty; of unwavering love and unrequited self loathing.

Neither was sure how long the kiss lasted. All they knew was that something new had just started. Something beautiful was just starting to blossom, and neither man nor angel would miss a moment of it for the world.

They went into Dean’s bedroom without a word, their hands as intertwined as their lives and destinies had just become. Neither man nor angel was going to die for a while now, if either of them could help it.


End file.
